Metal Fight Madness: A Crack Fic
by Denizen Of Madness
Summary: Jack somehow manages to make a time machine, and decides to drag Reiji and Johannes on an adventure through time! And things aren't much saner everywhere else...
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I got bored.** **So I wrote this. **

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If you were to ask Reiji Mizuchi how he planned on spending his day, he would have said "in front of a space heater, and read a fanfic". If you asked how he actually spent his day, then it would be a different story entirely.

All he wanted was to be alone, without anyone bothering him. But he couldn't have that one thing. No. He had to be friends with that pink haired idiot Jack and crazy-cat-lady-in-a-teenage-boy's body Johannes. Those two somehow broke into his basement and kidnapped him.

~Earlier that day~

Reiji stared at the two boys in front of him. "…And how did you get in here, exactly?" He, Jack, and Johannes were in Reiji's home: Dark Nebula's basement. They sat in three wooden chairs arranged in a circle.

The effeminate artist scoffed. "I told you! I was experimenting with a new art form, utilizing silly string, a Styrofoam cup, and weapons grade plutonium! And just as I finished it, I found myself standing in Victorian-era London! I realized what I had created: a time machine! It was then I knew what I had to do... I will kill Leonardo Da Vinci and replace him. And then, I will use my beautiful artwork in place of his original works! My art will go down in history as the masterpieces they truly are! Ehehe... AHAHAHAHAHA!" The peacock blader broke down into hysterical laughter.

Reiji simply frowned. "And jussssst what doesssss thissss have to do with me? Or him?" He pointed at Johannes, who just sat there, eating Meow Mix out of a sandwich bag.

It took Jack a minute to calm down enough to talk again. "Well, successfully killing and replacing a well known historical figure takes... certain talents that I don't posses. That's where you two come in."

"And why would I help you? I quite comfortable in my basssement."

"because," Jack quickly whipped out a cylinder-like device covered in blinking lights from his pocket and pressed a button on the top. A bright green light enveloped the three bladers, and after a second, they disappeared.


	2. Chapter 2

Reiji felt weightless for a moment. Then he didn't. Then he felt fat. And he kept feeling that way. The light that encompassed the three villains faded, and they found them selves in the middle of an empty street that was most definitely not 15th century Italy.

Reiji tried to swallow his new found hatred for Jack... and failed. "You son of a bitch!" He punched his pink haired companion in the jaw. "I never said that I would go with you!"

Jack stumbled, gripping his jaw. "Ow! Reiji, take a girl out to dinner first!"

"Shut up!"

Jack merely groaned and pouted.

Reiji looked around the trio's new location. "Where the hell did you take us, anyway!?"

"Hmm," Jack circled around Johannes and Reiji for a few moments and stopped. A gust of wind blew, carrying a flier for Tokyo University that landed on his face. "This thingy on my face tells me that we are in Tokyo, Japan!"

"Jack... I'm pretty sure that da Vinci never lived in modern day Japan!"

"Pfft. Look, Time Travel isn't an exact science! Besides, I'm an artist, not a scientist!"

Johannes ignored his friends, and stared at his now empty bag. He sighed at the thought of being out of his favorite treats. Then he saw something rather interesting in the corner of his eye. The lynx blader happily trotted off.

Meanwhile, Jack and Reiji continued to argue like an old married couple.

"Take me home now, you ambiguously gay clown!"

"No! Not until Leonardo da Vinci is dead!"

"I will tear to shreds, you Insane Clown Posse wannabe! I will destr- Why is Johannes decked out in 'Hello Kitty' gear?"

Indeed, Johannes was covered from head to toe in 'Hello Kitty' apparel, for he had found one of those 'Hello Kitty' stores. Daaaw. He looked so happy! Like a kitten laying in a freshly dried pile of laundry. He held bags full of merchandise. Hats, gloves, socks, he may have well cleaned out the whole store!

Jack took advantage of Reiji's distraction and activated the time machine, hurtiling the boys to another era.

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**~Meanwhile, in America~**

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Damian skipped down the sidewalk with a sadistic grin plastered on his face. He pulled along a red wagon filled with Girl Scout cookies, for he had become a Girl Scout! He wore the typical uniform, skirt and sash and all.

The young boy was in a suburban neighborhood, doing what his organization was created to do: sell cookies to the unsuspecting masses.

He skipped to his next target's front door, and kicked it in! He entered the living room, where the houses owner sat, watching TV. Now, that wouldn't do. Not one bit. Damian kicked the screen, shattering it, and turned to his next customer.

"Greetings, troglydite! I am Damian Hart, of the Girl Scouts! I am here to enrich your worthless and pathetic life with my cookies! Now, kneel and recieve my grace!"

The man gave him a look that looked like this: ಠ_ಠ

"No! You kicked down my door and broke my TV! I'm not given you even a single penny! GET OUT BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!"

"Now, I must ask you to reconsider. If you don't buy my cookies, then I can't be held responsible for what happens."

"GET THE HELL OUT!"

"Ehehehehe," Damian let out a creepy giggle. "Ahahaha! I warned you! Kerbecs," Damian brought out his bey, Hades Kerbecs, and launched it at the mans face. "HADES DRIVE!"

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**~Later~  
**

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Damian walked away from the burning house, a maddened grin danced upon his bloodied face. He had punished that fool who refused his delisious baked treats, so he had punished him. As was the tradition in the Girl Scouts.

Off to the next house, then.


	3. Chapter 3

**~Meanwhile, in New York~**

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Masamune, Toby, and Zeo sat at a booth in their favorite diner, waiting for their meals. It was near sundown, and they had completed training. Toby and Zeo sat next to each other, while Masamune sat across the table from them. The tag-team duo were chatting it up, while Masamune was uncharacteristically quiet, staring at them intently.

Toby noticed his friend's silence, and asked in a concerned tone, "Hey, what's wrong, Masamune?"

Masamune, without even a hint of tactfulness, asked, "What's up with you two? Are you guys dating, or what?"

Zeo and Toby's faces turned a bright red. Zeo began coughing, somehow choking on air. "WHAT?!" They said in unison, something that often happens in this show for some reason.

"W-why would you ask that?" Toby stuttered.

"Well, it's that even though we're best friends, you guys always seemed closer to each other than anybody else. Really close. REALLY REALLY CLOSE. REA-"

"Okay, we get it!" Zeo interrupted. "So you think we're dating just because we're close?"

"Yes."

"...I have no words for this," Zeo face-palmed.

Toby put his hand on Zeo's shoulder. "I think it's time we explained everything to Masamune. You know, like we rehearsed."

Zeo sighed. "Fine." The duo got out of the booth and faced Masamune.

"Rehearsed?" Masamune asked.

_"Let's face the facts about me and you,"_ Toby turned to Zeo and began to sing. Piano music randomly started to fill the diner. _"A love unspecified. Though I'm proud to call you chocolate bear, the fans'll always talk and stare~"_

Masamune looked on, completely dumbfounded at the sight. Just what has gotten into his friends?

_"I feel exactly those feelings too, and that's why I keep them inside! 'Cause this bear can't bear can't bear the world's disdain, and sometimes it's easier to hide than explain-"_

Zeo and Toby began to sing in unison. _"Our guy love, that's all it is. Guy love, he's mine I'm his. There's nothing gay about it in our eyes!"_

"Er, Guys?" Masamune asked, bewildered.

Zeo looked into Toby's eyes, and sang, _"You ask me about this thing we share..."_

_"And he tenderly replies~"_ Toby continued the lyric.

_"It's guy love, between two guys~"_ They sang together again.

"Guys?" Where's the piano music coming from?!" Masamune started to panic a bit. What the crap is going on?!

_"We're closer than the average man and wife~"_ Zeo looked to Masamune.

_"That's why our matching bracelets say Zeo and Toby!"_ Toby showed Masamune the friendship bracelet on his wrist.

_"You know I'll stick by you, for the rest of my life~"_ Zeo sang to Toby.

_"You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!"_ He sang back.

"WHAT?!" Masamune started sputtering.

_"Wait, I don't think that happened!"_

_"There's no need to clarify~"_

_"Oh, no?"_

_"Just let it grow more and more each day. It's like I married my best friend-"_

_"But in a totally manly way!"_ Zeo's voice sounded like that of a rock star's for a split second.

_"Let's go! It's guy love, Don't compromise, The feeling of some other guy, holding up your heart, into the sky~"_ Their voices started sounding a bit sweeter.

_"I'll be there to care through all the lows~"_ Toby told Zeo.

_"I'll be there to share the highs!"_ Zeo replied.

_"It's guy love, between two guys~"_

_"And when I say, "I love you, Zeo," it's just what it implies."_

Toby and Zeo stood even closer to each other, and looked to the ceiling. _"It's guy love..._  
_between... two... guys~"_

Poor Masamune's brain couldn't take the insanity that just happened, and promptly shut down. He shook for a few seconds while his mouth foamed, then fell unconscious. He leaned back in his seat, his head tilted back.

"Er... I think we broke him, Toby."

"Should we get him to the hospital?"

"Nah, he'll be fine."

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**A/N: This is by far the gayest thing I've ever written. XD So, yeah. The homoerotic subtext between Toby and Zeo was so thick you could cut a knife through it. I ship it, I guess. Don't worry, guys! Jack and the gang'll be back next chapter! I wanted to write this badly, so I did this. I was thinking that Every other chapter would center around different characters and their craziness. What do you think?  
**

**And Scrubs! The song they sing is from there. Yes, I love that show. I had to change some words in the song to make it fit, though.**


End file.
